Nearly Christmas…

Friday 05th December, 2008

It’s nearly Christmas and I am dreading it. This time last year Peter was having treatment for his cancer and we were optimistic. How fast that all changed when he took a turn for the worse and nearly died last Christmas. The rest is history as they say. On the television at the moment are stories about people who are on their own at Christmas, and the other ususal sad stories of despair, poverty, loneliness, sadness, illness and other depressing stuff.

I make comment because this is a time of year for families and all things child related. I have an inner child that loves to be silly and play! At the moment my inner child is crying and saying “it’s not fair!”  Once a doctor said to me “Life isn’t fair!”  Well that was as helpful as a locked toilet.  Life is not fair.  It’s what we do with it that counts.

I personally don’t want to celebrate Christmas as I am still hurting and just do not feel in the right place to join in with the festivities.  It would be so easy for me to get depressed at this time of year and I am fighting the “dark place” right now.  I could cheerfully sit back on the settee, rolled up in a duvet, watching crap on the television to stop myself thinking. I have not been Christmas shopping, not even got my cottage ready for Christmas…everything is half finished, half placed, half prepared.  Everytime a Christmas song plays, memories come flooding back and fill me full of sadness. I wonder if I was born this gloomy!

But, as per usual, I will moan a lot; worry a lot; get anxious; fret a lot; lose sleep; feel ill; feel tired; feel despair; and generally want to run away - just over the Christmas shopping - however, I will do it. I will do the whole damn Christmas thing…not for myself. For my children (I don’t care if they are young adults!). They are my children and no matter how frustrating I find them at times, I love them dearly!

With the compliments of the season and best Christmas wishes to you and yours. x