Nearly a year…
Thursday 02nd April, 2009
…since my husband passed. I cannot believe have fast the time has gone. Not a day has gone by that I don’t miss him. I have visited all the stages of grieving throughout this year, sometimes all on the same day, and others one at a time in no particular order!
Grief is a funny thing, but no matter how much time passes, you never stop hurting, you just get used to the situation. We shall be spending time together as a family on Monday, and that is important to me. It’s the little things that are the most important in your life. I have learnt that the hard way.
Snow!
Monday 02nd February, 2009
I hate the snow. It looks pretty, it is an excuse to sit in front of the fire all day, but I do hate it. The reason is I have never learnt to drive in it and I am scared of slipping uncontrollably all over the place. I don’t think it is a good idea for me to be out on the road if I cannot drive in it, and so choose to either use public transport, walk, or stay locked in at home.
This has become rather a debilitating habit of mine, and one that I don’t think people understand! Just because they go out and cope does not mean I can. I feel totally out of my safety zone! Coupled with the fact that I have anxiety issues, the very idea of snow has turned me into an avid weather watcher! I search the Internet for weather web cams, information sites about traffic and road warnings, and I have installed a weather tool bar for my computer that gives me up to date weather reports hour by hour!
So what can I do about it? Nothing for the time being, I am sat in front of my fire, warm and cosy and I don’t intend moving unless I absolutely have to, thank you very much!
News Just in, Please Read! Your Help is Needed!
Monday 05th January, 2009
I am passing this on in the hope that you can donate some money to a worthy cause. Oh, I know there are people begging money everywhere, but hear me out.
Steph needs some money to get to Germany for chemoperfusion, by the same doctor that has treated Debbie Brewer, Professor Vogal. I have posted the link to the Facebook group so you can read all about it yourself. Please don’t ignore this, even if you donate £1.00, you will have helped. HELP STEPH BUY SOME TIME…TIME IS PRECIOUS…TIME IS PRICELESS…DONATE NOW!
PRESS HERE TO DONATE! PRESS HERE TO DONATE! PRESS HERE TO DONATE!
“As you may of read back in October, Steph won the fight for Avastin. Unfortunately Steph was only able to have a few infusions as she then became very ill with ischemic colitis. Since 24th Oct 08, Steph has been in and out of Brent Ward, Stonehouse ward and St Lukes hospice.
After speaking with Steph’s oncologist yesterday, we now know the prognosis, because of the bone and liver cancer, there is about 5 months of Steph’s life remaining, and that’s on treatment!
After lots of contact with a lady who is being treated by a Prof. Dr. Thomas Vogl in Germany. He thinks he can give Steph better treatment to prolong her life and not just give her quality of life.
Chemoperfusion is something that is not on offer here in the UK. So this Chemoperfusion will cost about 4000 euros per treatment and I believe Prof Vogl wants to try 3 sessions. Bearing in mind Steph is very poorly, she needs this asap.
Why am I telling you? Because she needs to raise the money.
Can you, your family, friends help? Can you be Steph’s sponsor? Thank you for taking the time to read Steph’s story, again and please, pass this on”.
Alialibeaman24@hotmail.com
2009
Monday 05th January, 2009
And so, here we are - 2009. When I look back at the last year and how horrid it was, I suppose the only way now is forward! In my little ironical world, I am looking for something like a huge anvil to hit me on the head while I’m out walking the dog. I am missing Peter like crazy, but trying to hide it from family and friends because I don’t want them to get fed up with me and my mourning. So I mourn in private, alone, or with Dylan my best dog. Dylan lets me moan on to him and always offers a furry shoulder to cry on, and he never passes on advice or judgement! I love my dog so much.
So what now…I was waiting for some kind of epiphany over Christmas, not a Christmas one…a personal one! It never came. I still don’t know what to do with myself. I am out of ideas. Maybe the time is not right yet, and maybe the best thing to do is to build up some kind of routine at the cottage, plan the garden, and get myself sorted! Answers on a postcard please!
The cottage is coming along nicely, there is still a lot to do but it’s all cosmetic and seeing as I’ve the rest of my life to sort it out, I’m going to try and just enjoy living here. I have not allowed myself to enjoy things yet…I call it the ‘anvil syndrome’! The garden is being landscaped and I have a wonderful pair of builders who have done a fantastic job for me.
Dylan and Archie have settled in quite nicely and although Archie does not like to go out for a walk on his lead, he enjoys it when he eventually gets out of the house! He has turned into such a lap dog! Dylan absolutely loves his new home, so that is positive. We are starting training classes as soon as possible as I want to finish Dylan’s Kennel Club Good Citizen Awards, Bronze, Silver and Gold.
I did have some good news before Christmas. A friend I met on the Internet, Debbie Brewer, has been having pioneering treatment in Germany. It is called Chemoemobilization. The good news is that Debbie’s tumor has shrunk and is now classed as being in partial remission. This is such good news for cancer sufferers everywhere, and I now hope this treatment is going to be offered to others, as you can only receive it privately at present.
Happy New Year 2009
Thursday 01st January, 2009
Happy New Year to all my family, friends both old and new. I wish you all a peaceful and healthy new year.
I was going to write something in my blog but have found it very hard to put any words down, so I just wish you all the best for 2009. xxx
Nearly Christmas…
Friday 05th December, 2008
It’s nearly Christmas and I am dreading it. This time last year Peter was having treatment for his cancer and we were optimistic. How fast that all changed when he took a turn for the worse and nearly died last Christmas. The rest is history as they say. On the television at the moment are stories about people who are on their own at Christmas, and the other ususal sad stories of despair, poverty, loneliness, sadness, illness and other depressing stuff.
I make comment because this is a time of year for families and all things child related. I have an inner child that loves to be silly and play! At the moment my inner child is crying and saying “it’s not fair!” Once a doctor said to me “Life isn’t fair!” Well that was as helpful as a locked toilet. Life is not fair. It’s what we do with it that counts.
I personally don’t want to celebrate Christmas as I am still hurting and just do not feel in the right place to join in with the festivities. It would be so easy for me to get depressed at this time of year and I am fighting the “dark place” right now. I could cheerfully sit back on the settee, rolled up in a duvet, watching crap on the television to stop myself thinking. I have not been Christmas shopping, not even got my cottage ready for Christmas…everything is half finished, half placed, half prepared. Everytime a Christmas song plays, memories come flooding back and fill me full of sadness. I wonder if I was born this gloomy!
But, as per usual, I will moan a lot; worry a lot; get anxious; fret a lot; lose sleep; feel ill; feel tired; feel despair; and generally want to run away - just over the Christmas shopping - however, I will do it. I will do the whole damn Christmas thing…not for myself. For my children (I don’t care if they are young adults!). They are my children and no matter how frustrating I find them at times, I love them dearly!
With the compliments of the season and best Christmas wishes to you and yours. x
Warm!
Sunday 02nd November, 2008
I am sitting in my cottage, in front of a real log fire (well, wood burning stove actually!). It is a Clearview Pioneer 400 and I got it from Robeys in Belper, Derbyshire. I am very grateful to my family for fitting the stove and tiles, they have been very good to me and helped me such a lot.
The cottage is nearly ready for furniture and I am going to book a removal van sometime before Christmas! At the moment the cottage needs a good clean from top to bottom!
We had a lovely Halloween. My son and his girlfriend, and friend, came to stay. They dressed up and the costumes were brilliant!
COLD!
Tuesday 28th October, 2008
Brrr…freezing! I’m being a wimp I know, but it’s soooo bloomin’ COLD! This morning was beautiful with frost, not a big frost, but enough to make the village look so pretty. It gets quite cold up here, so I am waiting to get out my camera and take some pictures of the village when it is very frosty or misty. I love taking pictures like this.
I’m going to the thermal underwear shop and also to the cosy slippers shop to get supplies to insulate myself against the cold!
Oh and a big THANK YOU for the kind person who donated £100 to Peter’s JustGiving account. THANK YOU!
New House
Saturday 25th October, 2008
I am in my new house - well, cottage acutally! It is lovely, and it has been newly decorated and looks so clean, until the dogs trash it! It is so peaceful here and I am sure Peter would have loved it to bits. I miss him so much, and although I get through the days well enough, I find the nights are the longest and loneliest of times.
Dylan and Archie have settled in well, and we have begun exploring the surrounding countryside. It is so beautiful here. The village is wonderful and I have some lovely neighbours. I am going to try and join in some of the activities here as I fear I am becoming a hermit who is often in bed by 8pm!
It is a tradition in some Derbyshire villages to make scarecrows, usually around festival times such as summer carnivals, Halloween, Bonfire Nights, etc. I decided to join in with this tradition and I made a witch to sit outside my cottage! I will post a picture when I have unpacked the photography equipment!
It will be nice here this Christmas as the village is festively decorated with lights and trees. I am going to have a tree outside the house, but I am not decorating the inside of my cottage as I don’t really want to celebrate Christmas this year - it will be the first Christmas without my Peter. I shall put up cards, but the other stuff shall remained packed.
It has been six months since I lost Peter. I cannot believe how time flies. At the beginning of October I was really poorly with my depression and seemed to be grieving more. Like I said, the days are okay, but the nights are so long. I have been sick with worry about day to day stuff and sometimes found myself on the settee and not going to bed to sleep, but cuddled up with the dogs. It was comforting just to feel the warmth of Dylan’s body and his companionship so readily given. Dylan is such a good dog.
One thing that has annoyed me is my panic over silly things. I was in B&Q buying paint for the cottage when I started to worry about the breadmaker. I had left it on to bake bread and had to rush home to check everything was all right because I had convinced myself the cottage was going to burn down and the dogs would die a horrible death. It’s a wonder I didn’t crash the car in my rush to get home!
Silly, but that is the problem I have. These past few weeks have been better and now I am feeling more settled albeit a little lost - which is only expected when moving home. It’s nice to have my family around me, and they have all been so supportive. Thanks guys!
Reflective Inspiration
Thursday 11th September, 2008
Going to have a new section where you can send in your posts, poems, works of art, expressions, photographs, and other stuff relating to mesothelioma. It is going to be called Reflective Inspiration. So please feel free to email me with your creative stuff and I will showcase it here!
